Housekeeping

I want something in my life to feel permanent.

I lease an apartment, and I've moved 9 times in 9 years. I've upsized and downsized so many times that I've never really decorated or settled in because it's always "temporary." I've lived alone, and I've had roommates, but no place has ever really been mine. My family is on the east coast, so any "heirloom" furniture I have comes from Ikea.

I started a new job six months ago. It's a great job, and after four long years in a "temporary" position, it's definitely a step in the right direction. It's new, and I'm getting the hang of it, and the people, and the culture, and how I fit in. And thankfully I don't have to constantly and actively look for a new gig anymore.

I'm newly single after an epic five year friendship/two year relationship that I had thought would be "it." My attempt at creating permanence with another person failed, and aside from crushing my dreams for the future and leaving me in a world of hurt like I'd never known - also has me feeling a bit like an alien without a home planet.

I had made another person my home, which I don't think is a bad thing- It's what I want, and how I think it should be. For a time, I was his home too. We had settled in, I started "decorating" and investing. But after getting kicked out of that home, when I had thought I would never have to move again- I can't just go right out and find a new place to "live." All of the potential "places" I see pale in comparison, and honestly I don't even want to be looking. Sure it wasn't perfect, maybe the shower leaked a little, or it needed some cleaning, and the counters could have been updated, but it was my home, and I had big plans for it, I loved it.

So for the time being, I'm truly emotionally homeless, and despite spending some time on friends' sofas (figuratively speaking), I'm mostly out in the cold, on the sidewalk, under an overpass.

Some people come into your life, and you know you want them to never leave. Many people come and go, some linger too long, some are gone too soon, but a precious few you hope you'll always know. I guess I'm hoping someone might feel that way about me someday. I thought that's what I had found, but it seems he changed his mind, and I ended up with the spring cleaning out on the curb. Not enough room for me in all the clutter.

In the end, I don't really care where I physically live all that much. My job is important, but it's not my home. The apartment I lease is just a location. The permanence I'm seeking doesn't come from a car, or a house, or a job, or anything like that. That's all secondary, just paint on the shutters of being a home with another person. I've seen it done, I know it's possible, and that's what I want.