Drifting

I used to be excited about building a life with someone. I can build a life for myself, but that's way less exciting. Now I don't have anyone, or the prospect of anyone to be excited about. I can't even think of anyone who I'm actually attracted to. I worry daily that I won't find my someone to be with. 

I could find just anyone, but finding someone good enough, worth my time, worth my love and energy, and who feels the same for me, is another thing. 

I need to find something in my life to be excited about. I don't feel that I have love, or anything I'm looking forward to. I don't feel that I have anyone on my life who loves and knows me (aside from my parents, who I certainly don't take for granted- thank goodness for them, but that's different). 

I wake up each morning acutely aware of my aloneness. I wake up and I'm instantly sad that I don't have someone to share this life with.  I go to work and I come home and I have no purpose. 

Maybe I should get a dog?

"Enjoy it" they say. "You'll miss being single" they say. I've been single, I know how to be single, I even know how to be "happy" being single, but it's not what I want. I can't be truly happy if the thing I want most is out of reach, and most frustrating of all, it feels that there is literally nothing I can do about it.

I'm not in love with my life right now. I'm not in love with anything. 

I think about how I could pack up and move and start over somewhere else, but what am I running from?  What would I be running to? What exactly would I change if I could change everything - which I suppose I can, since I have no one "tying me down"? 

I would add people I love, who love me. This is easier said than done. I could live somewhere else, do something else, have different hobbies, possessions, habits- have a completely different life than the I've I've built so far- with people to share, someone I love to share it with. The rest is really just gravy.

A friend recently joked about having "peaked" years ago, an idea I am usually adamantly opposed to. The optimistic and hopeful, full-of-love version of me thinks we're all always growing, with room for improvement, and the best is yet to come! But the current, loveless, lifeless me, has less ammunition to make that case. I worry lately that life will always be at least a little worse than it was, will never be truly happy again. That maybe I had my opportunity to have everything be good and amazing and true for a moment, and maybe my story doesn't get better from here. I have to try and believe it will, to get out of bed in the morning- but I am waiting for any evidence that it could be. I'm sick of waiting. I'm sick of giving my all and getting nothing back. I'm sick of being sad and disappointed and embarrassed and depressed. 

Drifting. A ship without sails. 

Time to start rowing.