Drifting

I used to be excited about building a life with someone. I can build a life for myself, but that's way less exciting. Now I don't have anyone, or the prospect of anyone to be excited about. I can't even think of anyone who I'm actually attracted to. I worry daily that I won't find my someone to be with. 

I could find just anyone, but finding someone good enough, worth my time, worth my love and energy, and who feels the same for me, is another thing. 

I need to find something in my life to be excited about. I don't feel that I have love, or anything I'm looking forward to. I don't feel that I have anyone on my life who loves and knows me (aside from my parents, who I certainly don't take for granted- thank goodness for them, but that's different). 

I wake up each morning acutely aware of my aloneness. I wake up and I'm instantly sad that I don't have someone to share this life with.  I go to work and I come home and I have no purpose. 

Maybe I should get a dog?

"Enjoy it" they say. "You'll miss being single" they say. I've been single, I know how to be single, I even know how to be "happy" being single, but it's not what I want. I can't be truly happy if the thing I want most is out of reach, and most frustrating of all, it feels that there is literally nothing I can do about it.

I'm not in love with my life right now. I'm not in love with anything. 

I think about how I could pack up and move and start over somewhere else, but what am I running from?  What would I be running to? What exactly would I change if I could change everything - which I suppose I can, since I have no one "tying me down"? 

I would add people I love, who love me. This is easier said than done. I could live somewhere else, do something else, have different hobbies, possessions, habits- have a completely different life than the I've I've built so far- with people to share, someone I love to share it with. The rest is really just gravy.

A friend recently joked about having "peaked" years ago, an idea I am usually adamantly opposed to. The optimistic and hopeful, full-of-love version of me thinks we're all always growing, with room for improvement, and the best is yet to come! But the current, loveless, lifeless me, has less ammunition to make that case. I worry lately that life will always be at least a little worse than it was, will never be truly happy again. That maybe I had my opportunity to have everything be good and amazing and true for a moment, and maybe my story doesn't get better from here. I have to try and believe it will, to get out of bed in the morning- but I am waiting for any evidence that it could be. I'm sick of waiting. I'm sick of giving my all and getting nothing back. I'm sick of being sad and disappointed and embarrassed and depressed. 

Drifting. A ship without sails. 

Time to start rowing.

Housekeeping

I want something in my life to feel permanent.

I lease an apartment, and I've moved 9 times in 9 years. I've upsized and downsized so many times that I've never really decorated or settled in because it's always "temporary." I've lived alone, and I've had roommates, but no place has ever really been mine. My family is on the east coast, so any "heirloom" furniture I have comes from Ikea.

I started a new job six months ago. It's a great job, and after four long years in a "temporary" position, it's definitely a step in the right direction. It's new, and I'm getting the hang of it, and the people, and the culture, and how I fit in. And thankfully I don't have to constantly and actively look for a new gig anymore.

I'm newly single after an epic five year friendship/two year relationship that I had thought would be "it." My attempt at creating permanence with another person failed, and aside from crushing my dreams for the future and leaving me in a world of hurt like I'd never known - also has me feeling a bit like an alien without a home planet.

I had made another person my home, which I don't think is a bad thing- It's what I want, and how I think it should be. For a time, I was his home too. We had settled in, I started "decorating" and investing. But after getting kicked out of that home, when I had thought I would never have to move again- I can't just go right out and find a new place to "live." All of the potential "places" I see pale in comparison, and honestly I don't even want to be looking. Sure it wasn't perfect, maybe the shower leaked a little, or it needed some cleaning, and the counters could have been updated, but it was my home, and I had big plans for it, I loved it.

So for the time being, I'm truly emotionally homeless, and despite spending some time on friends' sofas (figuratively speaking), I'm mostly out in the cold, on the sidewalk, under an overpass.

Some people come into your life, and you know you want them to never leave. Many people come and go, some linger too long, some are gone too soon, but a precious few you hope you'll always know. I guess I'm hoping someone might feel that way about me someday. I thought that's what I had found, but it seems he changed his mind, and I ended up with the spring cleaning out on the curb. Not enough room for me in all the clutter.

In the end, I don't really care where I physically live all that much. My job is important, but it's not my home. The apartment I lease is just a location. The permanence I'm seeking doesn't come from a car, or a house, or a job, or anything like that. That's all secondary, just paint on the shutters of being a home with another person. I've seen it done, I know it's possible, and that's what I want.

My Life, in My Car

Taken from my recent Facebook post...

People sometimes say the car you drive can say a lot about you. I love my car.
If I were to describe Trixie as a person, I'd say she's practical, fun, and efficient, sporty and pretty. She's petite, a little old school with her stick shift, bright, easily recognizable by friends, has some upgrades (sun roof, nice wheels), and she loves music. She's not fussy and expensive, but top-of-the-line as far as Matrixes go, and she's a special limited edition. She's into safety, but it's not all she's about- she is pretty fun too. She likes to go fast and sometimes she'll surprise you, but knows she's no sports car and she's ok with that.
There's been times where she's had a little too much junk in the trunk, but never stays that way for too long. Doesn't mind getting dirty, but looks great all cleaned up. I've gotten better at taking care of her and keeping up on her maintenance in recent years (it gets more important as she gets older). She's reliable and dependable, and always up for a road trip, or making room for a friendly dog. She's been through a lot out here in LA, gotten a little banged up but she actually looks great for her age.

Perhaps an allegory for my life in California...  I had just moved 2500 miles from home and was feeling really sad and alone when she went into the shop for a whole new front end- just three months after I got her- a rude awakening for both of us that California was going to be a challenge. I had a raging fever the night her battery died and we both needed a friend to help at that moment (thank you Mari <3). I've never been stolen like she has, but I've definitely felt lost, and had things taken from me- and needed some TLC to fully recover. She's had accidents and I've made mistakes, some my fault, and some at the fault of others - luckily none that were too serious. She's had parking tickets, and I've certainly had to pay for sitting in the same spot for too long.

Anyone who knows me knows I love Trixie, but I have thought lately about the possibility of trading up- to something for the future. Something a little more efficient, a little safer, with a little more room for friends and family, and the adventures that go with them. Something with a little better view of the road ahead.
Amusingly, the car I want is actually the same color as Trixie, is slightly sporty, reliable, limited edition, and best version of itself available- like my car now. It's not high maintenance or overly expensive. It's basically the same car, just a little better and more grown up.
I'll be getting there soon. Trixie's gotten me this far, and Trixie 2.0 will hopefully take me where I want to go.
What do you drive? :-)

Needle in a Haystack

Taken from my recent Facebook post...

I've heard it said lately that as a modern person or a feminist, marriage is not something to be congratulated - that there are things that people, women especially, should be congratulated for with more enthusiasm: jobs, promotions, graduations, etc., vs getting engaged or married.
While I agree, and that just to BE married is not an end goal, I do think that it is something to be congratulated- and here's why:
They'll say that "all" you need in order to get married is a willing partner. Yes, but there's so much more to it than that if you're doing it right!
You've found someone who is KIND to you, that you ENJOY spending time with, who wants the SAME THINGS in life that you want, that LIVES where you live, can tolerate (or even LIKES!) your quirks. A "willing partner" who you RESPECT and ADMIRE, who's family and friends will get along with yours, who your brother doesn't hate, who's siblings you ACTUALLY LIKE. And to top it all off,  you're actually physically ATTRACTED to this person, and holy crap- they are attracted to you too! You both have found a needle in haystack, basically a leprechaun riding a unicorn wrapped in a rainbow. Then, you were able to recognize a good thing when you saw it, and were in the right place in your life to be able to establish teamwork, communication, goals, and plans for the future. You found someone who wants to be a FAMILY with you, who you love, and who LOVES YOU. I think that deserves serious congratulations.
So happy anniversary and congrats to my best friend Katelyn, and her husband George on finding your special person, and making each other your #1 priority for the last 4 years. You are both awesome, and somehow even MORE awesome together.